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The Burger Report is a glorious recurring feature that has absolutely nothing to do with anything related to the actual purpose of the podcast.

Whenever anyone on the show has a story about seeing a Fame-o eat a hamburger, they can file a Burger Report on the podcast. Eventually a hotline for listeners to file Burger Reports via voicemail was established, and those reports are eligible to air on the show.

Criteria[]

To file a Burger Report: call 1-802-8-BURGER and leave a clear, complete, and concise voicemail with the name and perhaps the fame-o-worthiness of the Fame-o, where you saw them eating a burger, and any and all details you might have on the burger itself.

In order to be considered a true Burger Report, the food item must be called a burger. The protein does not need to be beef or even meat, but preferably the meat must be ground and shaped into a puck. However food items that are ground and shaped into a puck are not necessarily considered burgers (i.e. crab cakes). Sandwiches DO NOT COUNT.

Appearances[]

Burger Reports are included in, but not necessarily limited to, these episodes:

Episode Fame-O Reporter Burger Report
#046 Lady In The Water (debut) Michael Shannon David At MooBurger on Court street Michael Shannon was with a bunch of kids and a couple adults, looking craggy with some facial hair, possibly a veggie burger?
Emmanuel Lubezki Griffin Apple Pan in Hollywood, Chivo was eating a burger with his parents (or two old Mexicans)
Rachel McAdams Richard Lawson During TIFF many celebrities were eating tiny burgers, possibly Rachel McAdams was one
#050 The Visit LeBron James (holy moly, salacious) Ben At the Spotted Pig in the private VIP 3rd floor area, weird thing 1) a guy cut his hair in the middle of the room, 2) his friends were smoking blunts to the point it was wafting into the rest of the restaurant, 3) late in the night they asked Ben to let someone in the side entrance and there were 10-12 call girls (allegedly), also they had a burger or two
Alex Borstein Louis Peitzman saw her at the counter once
one of the Andrews Griffin half of AndrewAndrew, which is like seeing Teller
#052 Bound Jay-Z and Beyonce Ben An event around his book release was held at the Spotted Pig, Beyonce and Jay-Z had some face time with Ben and... they were lovely! Not sure there was a burger though
#054 The Matrix John Mayer Ben Around the time Mayer dated Jennifer Aniston, during a VIP party with Aniston, Dave Matthews (who got very drunk on tequila), and Chris Rock. Griffin deduced it was likely for the film Just Go With It since Dave Matthews was in the movie. John Mayer showed up a couple hours early, got a burger and started hitting on women the whole time (allegedly). Jen called Ben a cutie.
#058 Cloud Atlas (more of a "Burger Report Report," and also a variant called "Orange Twist File") Jacob Robinson, his dad's grad student Griffin Griffin, desperate for a report went on an LA Burger crawl. At his final stop at the Plan Check on Fairfax.
M. Night Shyamalan Ben Orange Twist File: Ben never met Night but.... if Night did order a drink then maybe Ben touched the fruit garnish
Mark McGrath Bobby Finger Orange Twist File: Mark's wife ordered a rye manhattan and Mark said "is that toast?"
#060 Sense8 Mario Batali Ben Mario ordered a burger and then did the badass move of lighting up and smoking
Martha Stewart Ben Ben made her a martini, Martha also stared down Rachael Ray and caused her to leave from the awkwardness
#061 The Animatrix Tom Waits Ben During the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame celebration Ben sold Tom Waits on a burger, good mixture of meats and fats, bleu cheese
#064 Singles (actually "Orange Twist File") Redacted Ben Orange Twist File: Redacted stayed after closing and got naked while listening to music with the staff, dick was good
#068 Denim Invasion Live @ DCM18 Diana Kolsky, Murf Meyer and "George Lucas" Griffin First in person burger reports, "George" refused his burger because McDonald's only did a tie-in with the Clone Wars "subseries" and not the main series
#074 Under Siege 2: Dark Territory Lin-Manuel Miranda Griffin Sung to the tune of Alexander Hamilton:

🎵"How does a podcast co-host, actor from Draft Day, comedian, dropped in the middle of a Schnipper's Times Square burger location searching for fame-o's, find one to put on his podcast?"

Zoom ahead in the song

🎵"Who did he see? Lin-Manuel Miranda. It was Lin-Manuel Miranda, and there's a patty in between two buns on his tray, on his tray."

#078 The Abyss William Shatner Josh Ruben The Shat was treating his agent and manager to a burger at the Columbia Grill, dressed in shorts, button up and fanny pack
#112 The First Blank Check Mailbag Ethan Hawke David David saw a big party for Ethan Hawke's child (unconfirmed which) at the back room of Building on Bond. There's only one burger on the menu but it's good.
#139 Avatarland/The Second Blank Check Mailbag(first report from a blankie, via hotline) Luis Guzman Emilio, Ilaughalone Luis is his best friend's uncle and they saw him eating a Whopper at BK in Puerto Rico.
#146 The Third Annual Blank Check Awards (multiple hotline reports) David Fincher On Franklin Ave he saw David Fincher take a big ole bite out of a medium burger
Danny Boyle Olivia Craighead (as revealed in Steve Jobs) While walking to a friend's apartment she was told to look into Whitman's on 9th street and she saw Danny Boyle eating a burger
Jared Harris Jay Sturdevant In July 2010, on his first day (and first table!) working at Johnny Rockets, Jared Harris ordered a burger, fries and milkshake
#153 Terms of Endearment (from the guest, and a big batch from the hotline) James Purefoy Valorie Curry Val saw James Purefoy eat sliders. He's British so he's not an animal and finished them off with two bites, not one. Val could confirm that you can put bacon on a burger but could not confirm if you can put a burger in a (Kevin) Bacon
Quentin Tarantino Travis from Knoxville Right before Death Proof Quentin came into a restaurant in downtown Knoxville and ordered the Monday $6 burger special. The burger had cheddar cheese and thick ground mustard
Terrence Malick The caller worked as an intern for Terrence Malick in Austin and one time they got P. Terry's instead of the usual salads. Terrence ate a cheese burger but there was no wind blowing or ethereal monologues.

In a second call the caller confirmed Terrence is a fan of both Die Antwoord and Zoolander but as it was not burger related should have been deleted.

#163 The Iron Giant (one report from the hotline) Kerr Smith Erin from LA At the Shake Shack in West Hollywood, Kerr Smith, lookin like a gray fox, was eating something in a sandwich form factor, possibly a burger, possibly a fried chicken sandwich.
#169 Incredibles 2 (hotline, baby!) Pharrell Williams In Beverly Hills while the caller was working on a shoot at a hotel, Pharrell walked in with a crew and they all ordered the burger
Mike Starr Dennis from Chicago 10 years ago he saw a large man jaywalking across State Street eating a sizeable burger one handed. Upon closer inspection it was Mike Starr, the gasman himself. The burger was big and unwieldy, a little soggy with lettuce hanging out the side. It had a parchment wrapping and was not from a chain but was possibly from Weber Grill due to the proximity of the sighting
Jason Lee Years ago at a bar in Long Beach Jason Lee came in and sat at table and ordered the blue cheese burger. The burger is rectangular with blue cheese and bacon. Jason was very nice and polite and he remembered the caller a year later at an art show
#174 Hotel Transylvania Trilogy ("Burger Report Theatre" - texts read aloud, dramatically) Now disgraced Curt Schilling Eating a burger wrap instead of with a bun at Luxe Burger in Providence, RI
Now disgraced Vladimir Putin In 2015 at the Shake Shack close to the UN. The reporter noticed intimidating big men guarding all the exits of the restaurant and then a group of men were escorted inside. It was Vladimir Putin and he ate a burger with absolutely nothing on it, just a bun and meat
#184 Chosen - The Hire (hotline, including from a blankie excursion at TIFF 2018) Steve Harwell On July 22, 2018 Steve Harwell from Smash Mouth came into the Orchard City Kitchen in Campbell, CA for Sunday brunch. He ordered a loco moco which involves a burger patty served over rice with egg and mushroom shallot gravy. Good tipper
Chris Rock Alejandro 20 years old report, while on vacation in LA the caller ate at a 1950s themed restaurant and saw Chris Rock dressed to the nines in a sharp suit with sunglasses indoors. He had just presented at the Oscars and had given the special effects Oscar to Titanic
Emilio Diaz, ilaughalone The caller was currently watching Emilio Diaz eat a burger at TIFF
#SF136 Oops! All Burger Reports David Spade In the Phoenix suburbs in July 2002, Joe Dirt himself showed up with a bodyguard to the local burger joint. He got the Hippy Dippy burger with thousand island dressing, toasted bun and no cheese. The caller said it appeared to be a little dry and Spade didn't appear to like it. About ten minutes later Spade showed up to the skate park where the caller was with his friends and fully padded up and rolled around on a classic big wheel board.
Mark Rylance Ben (not Ben) Report from August 2019 at the Oinkster in Eagle Rock, CA, Rylance had a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato
John C. Reilly, Matthew Lillard, Jane Kaczmarek, Alfred Molina Bailey Bailey works at the Pasadena Playhouse which is across from a burger joint called The Stand. He has witnessed John C. Reilly, Matthew Lillard and Jane Kaczmarek eat burgers there. He also saw Alfred Molina eat a chicken sandwich but The Stand calls it a chicken burger so it was not disqualified. Apparently Bailey is also listed in Reilly's phone as "booty call".
Kevin Nealon About 2 years before at a San Diego music and comedy festival the caller ran into Nealon at the food trucks eating a veggie burger. The caller called the hotline again to tell that Nealon also gave him tickets for later that evening. This was deemed a Ticket Report and was disqualified.
Sean Penn Brendan Cassidy In 2011 at a high end resort in Sedona, AZ Sean Penn ordered a bunless bison burger but he was not seen eating it. He stalked around the table yelling into his phone while his date, Scarlett Johansson, ate her "extreme" flatbread pizza
Keira Knightley and James Righton Simon from Newcastle The caller was having breakfast a few years ago when the lead singer from the Klaxons complimented his t-shirt, behind him was his wife Keira Knightley and then they reportedly had a lovely breakfast. This was disqualified for not being a burger, getting the name of the singer wrong, and asserting that David had attended uni when he is in fact New York born and bred.
Darius Rucker Michael from Clemson, SC Darius ate a Big Mac in his car when he came to play at Clemson
Bo Burnham Jonathan from LA After getting his haircut in Studio City the caller went to Mendocino Farms and ordered the Impossible burger and while refilling his drink he saw Burnham talking with friends at a table. The report was almost disqualified because it was not clear whether Burnham had actually eaten a burger.
30% of the Wu-Tang Clan Ian Green from Raleigh The caller works at a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Raleigh and has seen RZA, GZA and Method Man eat burgers with gumption and stoned enthusiasm
Tracy Letts James from Chicago In June was out at Small Cheval in Chicago and on a picnic bench in front was Tracy Letts eating a burger. He enjoyed his burger, no specifics but they only have one so unless modified it would have 2 4-oz patties, cheese, chopped red onion, pickles, home dijonaise, fries and a drink
Brian Posehn During Brian's 2014 tour in Alabama the caller smoked up in an alleyway after the show and Brian ate a burger, possibly from catering. More of a Toke Report but it was allowed.
Denzel Washington Jason from Bushwick The caller works at a Michelin star restaurant in Columbus Circle. On the night after the premiere of The Tragedy of Macbeth, Denzel came in to eat with his family. He ordered the cheeseburger which consists of a wagyu beef patty, shaved cheddar cheese, yuzu pickles, crispy onions, and normally comes with Russian dressing but Denzel ordered without, burger was medium rare
Robin Lopez KC from Texas Back in 2012 the caller went to the New Orleans Comic-con and saw New Orleans Pelicans center Robin Lopez in line for Mike Mignola. He had a hot dog and a burger and the caller remembered it being a completely dry burger. Robin is alarmingly big in person

Other Foods[]

Eventually the bit devolved into The Orange Twist Files where Ben would recount drinks he made for fame-o's.

In The First Blank Check Mailbag David shot down the inclusion of Bagel Chronicles, limiting it just to Burger Reports.

In the 5th Anniversary Special, Emily St. James leaves a voicemail for the boys and at the end she files a Taco Report about Jon Favreau.

In the Joint Security Area episode David relates his story about Michael Shannon getting pastries.

Other Reports[]

During the Cameron Crowe miniseries, some scandalous pics dropped of two-time Crowe collaborator Orlando Bloom resulting in many people sending the images to the hosts. They share the images with Producer Ben during the Suicide Squad as a Penis Report.

References[]

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